Saturday, April 30, 2011

Sloppy "Drunk" Goodbye

Leave it to me to have a perfect posting record for the entirety of BEDA... and then fall asleep on the couch watching MacGyrver (hottie, btw) and not manage to get anything up on the second-to-last day. To make up for yesterday, here. The Situation and I went for a hike around some beautiful waterfalls, and now you can pretend you were there. Put it in your scrapbook, tell all your friends. Or, like, don't.

Anyway, here we are. April 30th. I had a great time reading your comments, coming up with stupid jokes, and just interacting with you guys over the course of the month. I know I say this every year, but I'm going to put forth more effort to update regularly on non-BEDA months, too. Even when I have to dig and scrape for anyfreakingthing to say, I think it's beneficial for me to write something for an audience on a frequent basis. And, of course, there could not be a better audience than this one. So many of you stand by me even when you disagree with my opinions, so many of you laugh even when my jokes aren't funny, and every one of you contributes to making me feel great about myself... I know I sound sappy, but I am so, so, so sincerely grateful for this community. (I just reread this paragraph and it sort of sounds like the overly drunk girl at the party who's holding a glass of wine and keeps leaning into everybody and yelling things like, "No, no, listen to me! You're my best friend.") But believe me. I love you guys.

The winner of Thursday's haiku contest (although toastburntbread has pointed out that a true haiku is about nature, and therefore my post was written in senyru) has to be Aimee, whose poem made me laugh out loud:

Stupid word, where is your D?
You are hard to spell.

Nice. But don't be distraught just because Aimee wins the nonexistent prize-- I was legitimately loving every second of that comment thread. All the rest of you get honorable mentions. Maybe we need to make haiku posts and comments a monthly holiday. I am a fan.

But you know what else I'm a fan of? Shoving food in my face. As soon as the credits of The Lion King are over, The Situation and I are going to tend to the situation of my hunger... situation. This reflective background music (while, granted, about lions) is sort of making me feel depressed about the fact that this is the last paragraph of BEDA. If I were that drunk wine girl at the party, now I'd be sobbing with running mascara dripping into my open mouth. It's been fun, guys. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you later this week!

Chipotle burritos this year: 7
Subscribers: 49,228
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: 0, but I played with sidewalk chalk?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Haiku 4 U

Very tired, guys
Not too tired to blog, but
Will just use haiku.

Long-distance boyfriend
Hanging with him this weekend
Leaving tomorrow.

Cold, rainy weather
Where he lives, but I do it
Willingly for love.

Sorry for making
You puke from my sappiness.
Please forgive my spew.

Wiped out from writing
A very long short story
For class on Gay Lit.

It is difficult
And it's gay. Like Santana.
Last Glee joke ever.

My story is fun
But stressing me majorly
Maybe I'll post it.

Must go fall asleep
With mouth open on pillow.
Art is tiring.

(That may not be true
But if we say so often,
They'll call it a job.)

If you have comments
There is one rule to follow:
Write them in haiku.

Five syllables then
Seven syllables and then
End with five again.

Don't care what about
But the funniest one wins
Invisible prize.

(The prize is not real.)
Parentheticals in poems
Amuse me too much.

Four minutes till twelve
Looks like we made it on time.
I must say goodnight.

I hope your day is
Lovely and I'll see you guys
Tomorrow! Pizza.

Chipotle burritos this year: 8 (I tried to round down and people asked how I lost half a burrito, so we're rounding up.)
Subscribers: 49,165
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: -3 (+one cake)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

5 Amusing Things

Five things to amuse you tonight:

1. Bread turtle. I found this little guy somewhere on the internet (sorry, original creator-- I don't know who to credit) and thought you needed to see him.

2. The first trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was released today. It's up to you whether or not you're ready to watch it, but I'm interested to hear your thoughts if you've seen it!

3. A picture of me at, what, five years old? Compliments of my mother. Enjoy.

4. I heard today that, apparently, ten people are killed each year by vending machines? I have absolutely no confidence that this is real, but I still appreciate the fact that someone made the rumor up. I hope none of you have been personally affected by vending machine massacres. My thoughts are with your family.

5. An old favorite video. Try not to be overcome with adoration for the adorable.

I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 7
Subscribers: 49,132
Nail color: Rainbow

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I like your boobs!

Today, I was sexually harassed while leaving Women's Studies.

I was walking back to my building, frumpily donning an unbuttoned rain coat, holding a Chipotle bag in one hand and cup of water in the other, when I overheard a group of college-age boys laughing and hooting from the street corner. "Dude, does your mom know you're a virgin?" one asked, with much tact and class. Called one of his partners-in-buffoonery, "Try your luck with this girl." As I approached their group (conveniently located right next to the crosswalk), a freckled boy walked up to me, laughing. I looked at him uneasily and through his chuckles, he said, "Do you want to have sex with me?"

Right on time, I get a Do Not Walk symbol. Sighing, I looked back at the idiot and responded with a firm "No." A chorus of hysterical laughter broke out among his cohorts. One of the aggressors who suggested this game then yelled, "Try harder! Tell her she's sexy!" and for good measure, another friend shouted, "Yeah, tell her she's sexy!"

He obliged, I groaned in disgust, and I was finally able to cross the street. However, as I walked away to the sounds of whistles, indistinguishable yelling, and "Tell her you like her boobs!"; "I LIKE YOUR BOOBS!" I sort of wanted to vomit.

Tell me, how is this okay? True, nobody tried to touch me, and by college standards "they were just joking," but why should I have to feel uncomfortable and self-conscious at the hand of insecure twenty-something-year-old imbeciles? How can someone graduate middle school without a basic sense of what you can and cannot say to random strangers by the crosswalk?

I'm not posting this for pity-- nothing really happened, and if it weren't for the fact that I'm typing the story up now, I would forget all about it by Thursday-- but I just felt compelled to show a little civil disobedience towards an aspect of society that doesn't work for me. I didn't risk my hand at chewing out that group of guys right there in public, but I'm making my voice heard now:

It is unacceptable for anyone-- man, boy, or even other female-- to harass a girl or woman about her body or sexuality for any reason whatsoever. I don't care if it's a joke, if it isn't meant to be overheard, if it's in private... it is never okay.

So, freckly faced guy with the crappy friends, if you're reading this (you are not), I hope you can at least sleep well tonight knowing that, so long as you keep up the good work, nobody is going to be clamoring for that virginity of yours anytime soon. Grow a backbone, find some new friends, and, oh, you're disgusting.

Sincerely, The Badass Behind the Boobs

Chipotle burritos this year: 7.5
Subscribers: 49,078
Nail color: Rainbow (one color per finger)
Miles run today: 2

P.S. Nelamonster: raspberry with cranberry.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Giving In, Nomming

So here's the deal, kids. I'm hungry. I have a pounding headache. For twenty-five days, I have proven that I am capable of forsaking my one true love in this world, when all it's ever done is comfort and support me. Through experimentation, I can conclude that I do not have any milk allergies. Through this project, I have exhibited astounding self-control. By the power vested in twitter, I am about to eat some godforsaken pizza.

That's right-- the Dairy-Free Tribulations of April are coming to a close five days early. I put it to a vote on my twitter account, and within the first two minutes, I received over seventy responses-- about sixty-five of them encouraging me to throw in the towel and throw down the mozzarella. I know it sounds wimpy to some of you, but here are my excuses:
  1. The goal of this challenge was to see how dairy affects me. I discovered early on that, since I don't feel MIRACULOUSLY DIFFERENT or anything, my body probably doesn't have any problems with milk products. I doubt the next five days will reveal to me a nagging allergy that went unnoticed the rest of my life.
  2. I've successfully weened myself off my cheese addiction. I had your permission to eat whatever I wanted on Easter Sunday (so as not to be rude to those who prepared the meal) and when I had a plate of cheese offered to me, I didn't want any. That's right. I am now capable of saying no to cheese, so there's no harm in saying yes occasionally. Giving up early is not so much a failure as it is the beginning of a life of moderation.
  3. I'm going to The Situation's house this weekend and I refuse to be the guest who only nibbles on a lettuce leaf. And if my boyfriend-- the one I haven't seen in weeks-- wants to buy couples' brownie sundaes? I am eating a brownie sundae.
  4. I find vegan and dairy-free diets very admirable, but it looks like it's not my thing. I've been a vegetarian my whole life, so it's not like I'm refusing to stand up for my beliefs. I am perfectly okay with abstaining from creamy salad dressing, milk chocolate, and most ice cream. Having pizza when I'm DYING FOR PIZZA is not a crime.
  5. I want to.
So that's that. I'll be documenting my rebirth as a lactarian on annoyinghayley, and promise to give you every delightful detail. I hope you all have a lovely day (I am extremely confident that I will!) and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 49,034
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0. Headache, remember?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!

Family time, food, and seeing my best friend in the world for the first time in eight months has left me speechless. I had a fantastic day and I hope you're all doing well! Back to normal programming tomorrow. Goodnight!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Handwritten Almost-Easter!

Click the pictures to see them larger!

Friday, April 22, 2011

A Day of Good

Twenty minutes left in the day and about six minutes left of battery life on my computer, but dammit, I am a champion. This blog post is going up.

Today was utterly beautiful. Panera for lunch with Mom, Water For Elephants with my sisters, vegan chocolate chip cookies (verdict: taste about the same, but the consistency was somewhat dogfoody), hangout time with all my siblings, Deathly Hallows Part 1 on DVD. I set a date to have my wisdom teeth taken out, was hit on by a cute guy, and several pairs of pants in my usual size fell straight off of me from having lost weight. I just feel totally relaxed and happy and good. Not "good" as in "I can't think of any better way to say it," but "good" as in the denotative definition of the word. My day was good, my family is good, my life is good. (It is only occurring to me now, in my quick read-through before hitting "publish," that today is also Good Friday. I shall henceforth pretend that the content of this paragraph was intentional and that I am very subtle and wordsmithian.)

I did find time to read your comments on yesterday's post, and guys, I've gotta say-- not many of you are talented enough to hang out with my eyes. Those of us with perfect color accuracy, though, should make membership cards or something. "I can see better than you can see and everyone can see why that makes me amazing." Or... we can negotiate on the slogan when I'm not falling asleep.

Anyway, I hate to blog and dash, but the little yo-computer-bout-to-die meter is turning red. It's not up to me anymore.* As Dumbledore said, "It is our choices that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." And right now, I'm learning that who I truly am is someone who's tired so shut up you guys leave me alone goodnight. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,929
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0

*What? Are you suggesting that I walk ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS to fetch my power cord? Are you crazy?!

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Having just finished the several-hour drive from school to home, I'm finally at my kitchen counter, both my parents within reach, drinking hot tea out of a cup that isn't styrofoam. Also, my internet connection isn't being dramatically slowed due to some kid on the second floor illegally downloading four hours' worth of porn. Ahh, the simple pleasures of escaping the dormitory lifestyle. It's only for three days, but I'm determined to soak up every second.

Yesterday's discussion reminded me, once again, of how lucky I am to have such interesting people read my blog. Honestly. I spent quite some time reading comments both on my own post and on Kayley's, and I really enjoyed hearing what you had to say. The majority of commenters seemed to agree with me-- believing that scheduled time each day for creative projects does more good than harm-- but those on the opposite team had some decent points, too. I've decided that the best way to settle this debate is to... only update daily during Aprils and Augusts. I know, I know. I am a genius.

I love the days when this blog works out as a two-way discussion, and to keep the momentum up, I have another quest for you guys today. There's this test going around Tumblr to determine how well you see colors. It takes a few minutes (I think I spent around ten or fifteen), but it's pretty fun... and the fact that I received a PERFECT SCORE kind of makes me feel like I have superpowers, if we're being honest. Some can bend steel, some can fight crime, some can... do whatever it is that Aquaman does... but I can SEE. It's really rather empowering, and I would be remiss to deny you the possibility of being as spectacular as I am. You can take the test here, and I fully expect you to comment with your scores. And I mean that. Or else you'll never be invited to mine and Aquaman's parties!

To avoid the inevitable "YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT YOU GOT A PERFECT SCORE" jeers, I screenshotted my victory below. So you can, as they say in the professional-perfect-color-vision-people business, suck it.

On that note, I've got a date with my queen-sized bed. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,890
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 2

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Pushing Yourself vs. Pushing Out Junk

Hello, my ducklings. First and foremost, it was awesome getting to talk to a handful of you tonight on my spontaneous live broadcast. I love getting the chance to interact with screennames I always see around the internet, learning people's real names, forming inside jokes. I don't do many BlogTV shows because sometimes they feel like a culmination of all the negative, narcissistic qualities of the youtube community ("Come stare at my face while I eat salsa and ramble about my favorite TV shows! You owe it to me!"), but those of you in attendance? You made it fun. I asked for ideas for tonight's post, and Julieuh (among others) suggested that I draw a picture of the show. So are you sitting down? Because this is a flipping masterpiece.

Guys, guys! Get a grip! I know you're tearing up from its beauty, and that's fine, but stop trying to throw money and roses at your computer screen! Pick those up and pull yourself together. Are you alright? Alright.

I want to have a little discussion. My good friend and fellow fiveawesomegirl, Kayley, recently updated her blog with an interesting post about Blog/Vlog Every Day in April, National Novel Writing Month, and forced, scheduled creativity. The basic gist of her post is that she finds these sort of monthly challenges annoying, as oftentimes, quality is sacrificed in the name of quantity. I absolutely agree with her in some ways-- for instance, I rarely choose to publish "Today I did this and this and this"-type material during months other than April and August, but occasionally have no other choice when it comes to BEDA-- and I find her opinion totally valid. During the three-year run of fiveawesomegirls, there were some days when I couldn't wait to get in front of my camera, and others when the idea of Thursday made me sick and agitated (I have to do this again?). However, I've also noticed that the extra push and pressure provided by a time constraint and a goal can shake loose a lot of ideas I might not have explored otherwise. The challenge of having nothing to talk about has produced what are, arguably, my three favorites of my own videos (this, this and this). Staring at a blank document without an idea in sight really inspires me to find something funny or clever to make out of nothing. While Kayley is totally justified in thinking that BEDA churns out a lot of crap-- my own blog has seen quite a few crap splatters this month-- it's also a pretty beneficial workout regimen for me, creatively.

So what do you guys think? Does allotting time every day specifically for creation help you stretch your muscles, or does going through the motions just make your motions sloppier? I know my own answer is "both," but I'm curious as to how other people work. I'll be checking my own comments (of course), but I'll be reading the responses to Kayley's blog, as well, if you want to add something to the original discussion over there. I'm looking forward, as always, to hearing your input, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,850
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 1

Oh, and one last quick note: On April 1st, when I explained the rules of my dairy-free challenge, I mentioned that I'd put the race on hold in the event that it greatly inconvenienced other people, like if someone invited me over for dinner, or if I was out with people and couldn't find anything to order that fit my specifications. Well, I'm going home this weekend for Easter, and it occurred to me today that turning down my grandma's famous holiday cupcakes would be both rude and a TRAGEDY. So I think, in the name of Grandma, Jesus Christ, the Easter Bunny, and vanilla cake with pink frosting, this Sunday will be a freebie. All those in favor, say "aye." All those opposed, I don't really care.

P.P.S. Breakfast: Kashi cereal with soy milk. Lunch: Pasta with marinara, strawberries, carrot sticks. Dinner: ...Chips and salsa. Some Oreos. A piece of chocolate. Don't judge me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Winners, rice bags, rain...

So far, yesterday's post has over 90 responses, and I have to say-- I never thought reading hundreds of punchlines to the same jokes could be so entertaining! A lot of you made me laugh out loud with your answers, and the eclectic range of musical tastes between us was hilarious on its own. Honorable mentions go to Miranda's iPod, because "Like a Prayer" seems like a totally appropriate zombie-killing jam to me, and to an anonymous commenter whose overall theme music was, all too perfectly, NSYNC's "Tearin' Up My Heart." However, there can only be one winner, and the glorious prize of... absolutely nothing... goes to beangirl1389! Her whole playlist was made up of bouncy, fun-loving poppy songs that have absolutely no place in a zombie apocalypse, and I actually cracked up when I read that the song she'd hear while discovering a bite mark on her body is "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Perfection. I'll have to find another game of a similar nature for us to play later on-- if you find anything floating around the internet that could potentially produce some lols, let me know. Thanks to JulGra for yesterday's suggestion!

Besides beating off the undead with machetes, my day was pretty low-key. My French test came back with a C on it, I got hit on by a guy wearing pleather pants outside a coffee shop, and I started a giant writing project. We also had this horrendously loud thunderstorm last night, waking me up several times convinced I was being bombed, and a substantial amount of water leaked through my window and left many of my roommate's possessions (laptop included) in a giant puddle. Right now, I'm watching as she takes it apart and places each piece in a ziploc bag full of rice. That's supposedly going to dry it out without ruining anything, provided she does it right. Ah-- now she's just putting the computer in the bag, whole. "I don't know how long I should keep it in here," she says. And... and now she's taking it back out. Do any of you know how to remedy the situation? What size pieces is she supposed to divide it into? Are they supposed to stay in the rice for longer than 45 seconds? Something tells me yes.

Anyway, I've gotta keep things short tonight so I can keep powering through a big writing project I was just assigned. My professor is the somewhat flighty, open-ended type and his only instructions were to "Write something, like a long short story, or some poems, or a novella, or a personal essay... anywhere around, I don't know, six or a hundred pages." So. I'm running with it. I might come back to ask you guys for ideas or suggestions later this week. We'll see how it goes. Until then, I hope you have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,801
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: I really didn't have any time this evening. Blah; I'm hyper.

P.S. Breakfast was orange juice, Kashi cereal, an apple. Lunch/dinner was a heaping bowl of Chipotle, featured in its spectacular glory right here and here.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse Game

First order of business: Thank you for all your encouragement and sweet comments in regards to my French in yesterday's post. Knowing so many of you could make sense of my iffy translations really boosted my confidence for my test! I'm not sure how I did yet; I'll get back to you. But hey, even if I got a D, I had proficient French-speakers tell me my writing "wasn't horrible" and that's enough praise to make me smile.

Order of business number two: I did a little bit of research today and found out that cow's milk actually contains addictive substances, which proves that 1) cheeseaholism might be real, 2) all my whining isn't necessarily unjustified, and 3) I'm probably doing my body a real favor by taking on this challenge. A few sources recommended a three-week detox from dairy and claimed that the cravings should subside after 21 days. If this is true, I'll be free from the gooey clenches of mozzarella by Friday. ...I doubt it's true. But I'm holding out hope.

But enough of that boring stuff. LET'S PLAY A GAME.

This idea comes to you from commenter JulGra-- it's "My Zombie Apocalypse Soundtrack!" According to the rules, I have to put my iPod on shuffle to determine my fate. I expect each and every one of you (who feels like it) to play along and leave your answers in the comments, especially if they're amusing.

1. The overall theme for the apocalypse:
"F*** You" by Cee Lo Green. Makes sense.

2. The song that plays when I kill my first zombie:
"Hey Molly" by Mike Lombardo. This one's pretty obvious.

3. The song that plays while I'm being chased by a horde:
"The Hokey Pokey" from Ultimate Party Mix. LOL. Zombie Apocalypses have a lot in common with middle school parties at the roller skating rink. Also, how is there a proper plural for "apocalypse?" Isn't the point of an apocalypse that it's... the only one?

4. When I kill my loved one:
"Funny Honey" from Chicago. I mean, Roxie's pretty angry at this point, so it's reasonable.

5. When I find a group of survivors:
"Secret" by Maroon 5. Ah yes, because my natural reaction upon discovering human life after having lost all hope is to make out in a car.

6. When I meet my new love interest:
"Life's What You Make It" by Hannah Montana. Don't judge.

7. When I make my final stand:
"Mutha'uckas" by Flight of the Conchords. "He's gonna wake up in a smoothie."

8. When I think I've survived it all:
"It's Not Half Bad" by The Parselmouths. This doesn't really fit the scenario, but it's still my favorite jam from the olden days, so I'm content.

9. When I discover a bite mark on me:
"Thinking of You" by Katy Perry. Hmm. Alright.

10. The song during the end credits:
"Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard featuring Why The Hell Is This On My iPod. Still, I can't think of a more appropriate end-of-the-battle song, can you?

Is your iPod more entertaining than mine? Leave me a comment and I'll decide whose is funniest. (You don't win anything, though, because this won't be your accomplishment; it'll be your iPod's. Don't you dare try to steal his thunder after all he puts up with for you.) I'm looking forward to reading your responses! I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5*
Subscribers: 48,775
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: None

*And to those asking, no, I didn't eat HALF a burritos. I got a bowl full of just beans and salsa and I ate it with chips. It was big enough to go into the burrito category (since I could bowls as burritos, too), but not hefty enough to warrant a whole number.

P.S. Breakfast: Green Machine Naked Juice, zucchini bread. Lunch: salad, honeydew, banana. Dinner: noodles with marinara sauce. Dessert: more of those nastydelicious Reese's Puffs cereal.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I try to blog in French.

Bonjour ! Demain, j’ai un examen dans ma classe de français. Je besoin étudier beaucoup, parce que mes compétences de langue terminent avec l’anglais. Il y a probablement dix erreurs dans ce paragraphe. Mais, j’ai déjà besoin d’écrire un blog, donc je fais deux oiseaux morts avec une pierre. (Si le français est votre langue maternelle, j’espère que vous n’êtes pas mort à cause de cette traduction horrible.)

Hier soir, j'ai regardé le film Tangled avec mes amis. Je ne l’ai pas détesté, mais je ne possède pas le même amour pour Disney qui la plupart des gens que mon âge a. (Pouvez-vous terminer une phrase comme ça ? Il n'apparaît pas correct.) Avez-vous vu le film ? Vous l'aimez ? PJ dit que Rapunzel a l’air de moi. Je pense que il est fou. Je n’ai pas les taches de rousseur, je n’ai pas les yeux énormes, et bien sûr, mes cheveux ne sont pas longs de quinze mètres. Carina dit que l'homme a l'air de La Situation, mais mes amis savent n’importe quoi. La Situation est identique à Prince Eric de The Little Mermaid. C’est évident.

Pour le petit déjeuner, j'ai mangé le pain perdu, les fraises et une banane. Pour le déjeuner et le dîner, j'ai mangé beaucoup de céréale. Voulez-vous entendre un secret stupéfiant ? Les Reese’s Puffs ne sont pas faits avec le lait ! Je ne les ai pas mangé puisque j'avais huit ans, et ils causent probablement l'obésité, mais ils sont comme les bonbons ! Je les ai mangés au dessert. Délicieux !

Aussi, j'ai des nouvelles. Ce mois, j’ai perdu cinq livres. Je me plains trop. Les bonnes choses arrivent sans le fromage. J'ai plus d'énergie, et j’aime courir quand j’ai mangé des nourritures saines. Aujourd’hui, j’ai couru trois miles ! L’enfer ouais !

Je dois étudier maintenant. J'espère que vous avez un beau jour et je vous verrai demain !

And for the rest of you:

Hello! Tomorrow, I have a test in my French class. I need to study a lot, because my language skills end with English. There are probably ten mistakes in this paragraph. But I already need to write a blog, so I am making two birds dead with one stone. (If French is your native language, I hope you are not dead from that horrible translation.)

Last night, I watched the movie Tangled with my friends. I did not hate it, but I don't possess the same love for Disney that most people my age have. (Can you end a sentence like that? It doesn't look right.) Have you seen that movie? Did you like it? PJ says that Rapunzel looks like me. I think he's crazy. I don't have freckles, I don't have huge eyes, and of course, my hair isn't fifteen meters long. Carina says that the guy looks like The Situation, but my friends don't know anything. The Situation is identical to Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. It's obvious.

For breakfast, I ate French toast, strawberries and a banana. For lunch and dinner, I ate a ton of cereal. Do you want to hear an amazing surprise? Reese's Puffs aren't made with milk! I haven't had them since I was eight, and they probably cause obesity, but they're exactly like the candy. I ate them for dessert. Delicious!

Also, I have some news. This month, I've lost five pounds. I complain too much. Good things happen without cheese. I have more energy, and I love running when I've eaten healthy food. Today, I ran three miles! Hell yeah!

I have to study now. I hope you have an attractive day* and I'll see you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 3

*I tried. "Lovely" isn't in my French vocabulary.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

What I'd Do For Cheese

Having passed the halfway mark in my quest to go cheeseless for the month of April, you'd think it would be smooth sailing. You'd think I wouldn't be clutching my stomach with my nontyping hand, flailing back and forth, screaming, "I WANT A PIZZA!" to anyone who'll listen. But dairy is an addiction, my friends, and I am a bona fide junkie. I'm like one of those ladies from Hoarders who can't sleep unless she's surrounded by 4,036 ashtrays. I'm like Mimi Marquez. Guys, I'm like Chocolate Boy. Because I can't think about anything else, the rest of this post will consist of an alphabetical acrostic... of things I would do for dairy products.

A: I would attend AA if they'd give me American cheese.
B: I would box a bear for a bag of bonbons.
C: I would cuddle a crocodile for a chocolate brownie.
D: I would dance for the devil if he'd give me a doughnut.
E: I would eat eggshells if I could then eat everything creamy.
F: I would fight a falcon for a funnel cake.
G: I would go to Guatemala if they had goat cheese on the plane.
H: I would hit Hayley Hoover for a hot chocolate.
I: I would imitate Enrique Iglesias for ice cream.
J: I would jump Jeremy Jackson for any reason, but especially for jack cheese.
K: I would watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians for Hershey's kisses.
L: I would lick Lindsay Lohan for a lot of lasagna.
M: I would make out with Marky Mark for mozzarella sticks.
N: I would nail my nails to night stand for nachos.
O: I would own Oprah in an oboe-playing competition for oatmeal cookies.
Q: I would quit quilting (I do not quilt) for a quiche.
R: I would race Rachel Ray if she'd make me Rice Krispies treats.
S: I would scream at a scorpion if he'd buy me sour cream.
T: I would take out Tina Turner for Taco Bell.
U: I would expose myself to UV if... U would let me have cheese.
V: I would vow against vacations for a vanilla cake.
W: I would watch only Willy Wonka for a week straight in exchange for whipped cream.
X: I xould do othex stuxf that starx xith x's for xheese.
Y: I would yodel with Yo-Yo Ma for yogurt.
Z: I would zeriously do zo much for cheezez right nowz.

That... took way too long and was definitely not worth it. Anyway, now I have to go bang my head into the wall repeatedly. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,690
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0

P.S. Breakfast was a carton of strawberries, lunch was a big sandwich, dinner was spaghetti.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Good Youtube! Oreos! Etc!

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm warning you, though, that you may need to sit down. Or stop reading if you're under eighteen (not really). Things are about to get super racy. Are you ready? All I'm wearing is a towel.

...Are you still there? Does anyone need a defibrillator? I'm sorry! I just showered after running four miles, I'm trying not to keep a friend I have plans with waiting, and I thought being partially naked would speed up the blogging process. If you're scandalized, I apologize. Think of something wholesome! Here, have a picture of a duck. Ducks are cute and family-friendly! I met that particular one at Playlist Live, when he waddled right up to my friends at the side of the pool. Crap. Now you're picturing a bathing suit-clad Luke Conard and all hope is lost.

Anyway, since I (once again) don't have a world of time, I thought I'd keep with yesterday's list-making theme and link you guys to my current favorite youtube channels. I've made lists of this sort in the past, but youtube changes faster than a character's personality on Glee, so it's always fun to update the catalogue. Below are my top five ATM, and a favorite video from each.

5. Friendswobenefits. With 2,000 subscribers, he's certainly not unpopular, but I still can't comprehend how Chas hasn't yet been properly recognized for kicking so much ass. He's witty, he's charming, he doesn't beat you over the head with self-promotion or gimmicks, and ladies, he's cute. Just as a random sample, watch this. In love yet? Thought so.

4. SonofaStitch. It's perhaps lame for me to say this since he's one of my best friends... but PJ is hysterical and he spits out some freaking top-notch youtube videos. You know the way normal people might occasionally say something clever and you think, "Oh, I should write that down or tweet it or something!" That's what comes out of PJ's mouth every single time it opens. To further demonstrate my lack of bias, I'll link you to this one because I'm mentioned in it. But also because it's worth it.

3. Babyporridge. If you're like me and long for the days when youtube was ruled by real-life creativity and not just a caste system of douchebaggery, watch five minutes of Nikki and you'll feel so 2007, you won't even remember who Lady Gaga is. Nikki's unique, she's quirky, and her videos somehow feel like you're watching a combination between a drug trip and a child prodigy's self-produced living room talent show. Here's an example.

2. Tyleroakley. It's extremely unlikely that I'm the first person to introduce you to this little walking ball of stardom, but in the event you've been left in the dark, do yourself a favor and acquaint yourself with Tyler. He's always funny, always sassy, and does a ton of good work for the gay community. Here's one that gets me every time.

1. Communitychannel. Again, I guarantee you've seen her before, but frankly, I don't think it's possible to see too much of her. Natalie does everything I wish I could do. She makes the absolute most of the medium, she makes "your mom" jokes, and she makes my abs more defined from laughing. This is my personal favorite, even though that's like saying I have a favorite kind of... something... that's always good. I don't know, guys, shut up. Go watch Nat.

So hopefully those will entertain you! My friend is now on the end of my bed, giving me a play-by-play recap of some made-for-TV Hilary Duff movie, so I've gotta go. Very important business. Quickly: PB&J for breakfast, smoothie and pretzels with hummus for lunch, um, DEFINITELY NOT THIS for dinner. Carina maintains, "Oreos aren't BAD for you. They're vegan." She then goes on to say, "I'm getting a doughnut. I'm so pumped." You can see why she's my friend and why I have to go.

I hope you all have a lovely day and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,651
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 4

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Things That Are Always Funny

I finished an important paper for class mere seconds ago, and I still owe you fine people a blog post. We have exactly thirty minutes on the clock until the day is over.* Let's pump this baby out.**

To keep things quick and light-hearted, I will now improvise a list. Ten Things That Are Always Funny:
  1. Personal websites from the 1990s. Close your eyes (except not really, idiot) and imagine this. Highlighter green background. Page takes several long seconds to load, and when it does, some wretched midi file begins playing automatically. Yellow, bolded Comic Sans scrolls by on a looping marquee, proudly stating, "Welcome to my Site!" Somewhere inconvenient, a graphic of, I don't know, the globe or something, rotates. A broken link surrounded by a purple box offers to take you "Home." Across the bottom is a pasted copyright symbol and a hotmail address in underlined blue. Always funny.
  2. The phrase "according to science." I've discussed this in videos, I've made reference to this in videos, and I will continue to use this in videos wherever applicable. I don't know why it cracks me up, exactly-- maybe it's just the perfect testament to America's arrogant ignorance? Whatever the reason, I can assure you that if you're ever in a pinch to make me laugh, begin your sentence with "According to science...." Always funny.
  3. Similarly, the word "fetus." Always funny.
  4. 30 Rock. Those of you who've been following me for a while know all about my undying devotion to Tina Fey, but this year, that devotion has spread to the entire cast and writing team of her sitcom. I've now seen every episode at least five times. I beg you, if you've never given 30 Rock a chance, get your butt on Netflix and work your way through. Absolutely worth it. Always funny.
  5. The way I still, at age twenty, have to thoroughly think through whether midnight is 12pm or 12am. Not always something I'm proud to admit, but always funny.
  6. People with sexy foreign accents trying to force a bad American accent. Always funny.
  7. The fact that a large group of clever, interesting, smart people are willing to come back every single day for an entire month just to hear what some girl in Ohio ate for lunch. I know I say that a lot, but it's because it marvels me a lot. Always inspiring, always funny.
  8. Babies wearing bunny ears. As my father once said, "A baby wearing bunny ears is always good for a guffaw." Also, always funny.
  9. The way I bare my teeth like a ravenous wolf every time I look at cheese. There was a not-even-kidding silver platter of grilled cheese sandwiches at my dining hall today. Instead, I ate fruit and zucchini bread for breakfast, red grapes and quinoa with beans and corn for lunch, a big ol' sandwich*** with chips and a banana for dinner, and a block of dark chocolate while doing homework. But when I saw the forty-some passersby with ice cream cones this afternoon? I almost punched someone out. Almost punching someone out? Always funny.
  10. The way I just shoved the list of what I ate today into this list (listception!) and still have three minutes left before midnight. CHAMPION! ALWAYS FUNNY!
Okay, wow, I didn't think I could pull that off. I'm gonna go run a victory lap (and by that I mean sleep). I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,620
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: 4

*This sentence reminds me of Global GUTS.
**This sentence reminds me of this.
***Hummus, cucumbers, tomatos, spinach, carrots, green peppers, red onion.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Coconut Revisited (on the bathroom floor)

First of all, if you commented on yesterday's post, you are hilarious and adored. Second of all, yesterday's post? I have no idea what you're talking about. I am completely oblivious. Any reference you ever make in regards to yesterday will be addressed with utter confusion. What cross-stitched cat?

Yesterday began with a splash, and that splash was coconut milk ice cream. Out of my mouth. Over and over again. Taking place on my knees in the community dorm bathroom. Good morning! Yeah, in vomclusion, that was a horrible idea and every single one of you who suggested I try it should check your mail, because I've sent you a vile of my throwup. It's labeled "Hayley's Crushed Hopes & Dreams" and my stomach is not speaking to you right now.

Bile aside, I spent most of Tuesday in an unspectacular mood for other reasons. I was hungry but food felt gross, I had French homework but don't speak French, a guy in one of my classes thought George Washington lived during the Renaissance... it was an all-around angst fest. On top of that, I was frustrated with a few comments I received on Monday's post. I'm not sure how I'm expected to amuse every reader every day of the month, but I've gotten over it. The overwhelming majority of feedback I receive is kind and funny and lovely, so it's simply unfair to be a brat over one or two slightly critical remarks. I think my bad attitude was just the stomach ache talking. Besides, I make myself laugh, and that's the point, right? Narcissism? Right.

FOR THOSE INTERESTED, today I ate cheerios and this and a banana and ziti noodles with marinara sauce and carrot sticks. For those who don't care, oh well. No real updates on the dairy withdrawal: I still want a pizza. I still can't have a pizza. The saga continues.

Anyway, I'm currently watching The Aristocats for the first time since I was about six years old, and I have a friend over, so I've gotta go... tend to that. I hope you cats have a lovely evening, and I'll see you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,582
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI

P.S. This movie is anti-feminist. All the women are teases or crazy cat ladies or falling off the back of the truck.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Lactating Coconuts

After spending way too much time studying in the library, this evening called for an adventure. A thrilling adventure. A daring and devious adventure! But I couldn't think of any, so instead I went to the grocery store and bought dairy-free ice cream. /anticlimax

A lot of you have been recommending different brands of faux-milk products, and I figured it was time to give one a try. I went out in search of a pint of coconut ice cream, hoping its pretty label with pictures of cookie dough chunks would not betray me. It cost seven dollars, which is mildly insane... but I justified the purchase by telling myself, "You just have to enjoy it as much as you'd enjoy paying to see some Ashton Kutcher movie in theaters." This calmed me down, because the only way I'd like coconut milk less than Ashton Kutcher movies is if coconut milk gave me anaphylactic shock whilst punching my mother.*

So I tried it. Not horrible. The consistency is much softer than real ice cream-- I had to fight off the temptation to eat the first layer super fast, because unlike with the real deal, the second layer was no less melty-- but all in all, if I hadn't seen the packaging, I might not have known the difference. It didn't seem so much like fake ice cream... just slightly crappy ice cream. Also, in hindsight, the fact that it tasted like coconut should have surprised me less. I don't have any huge issue with coconuts or anything, but I've never been enough of a fan to waste a few hundred calories on their artificial lactation. For seven dollars, I dug out all the cookie dough chunks, popped the lid back on, and called it a day. If anyone's in need of some mangled coconut teat puss**, it's all yours.

Other than that, today was quite delicious. Breakfast was orange juice and two pieces of wheat toast; one with peanut butter, one with peach preserves. Lunch was green tea and a few pieces of vegetarian sushi. I had a small afternoon snack of hummus and Sun Chips, realizing early on that hummus and Sun Chips go poorly together, but continuing nonetheless, because I am a fighter. For dinner, I waited in line for my dining hall's wok bar, of which you can see pictures here, here, and here. It was tasty, but I only got through about a fourth of the dish before feeling utterly stuffed. Then came a few spoonfuls of the icey coconut concoction, and (much later in the evening) my friends were going to Chipotle... and I have what Freud calls Burrito Envy... so I tagged along and gorged on chips and salsa as a nighttime snack. Yummmmtastic.

I got yelled at in yesterday's comments for not divulging a list of everything I ate, so I'm making up for it with this totally food-centered post. Now that we're all balanced out, The Hayleylujah Chorus will be back to regular programming tomorrow night. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you then!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5ish
Subscribers: 48,499
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: How could you expect me to work out when I had so much eating to do?

*I do not like Ashton Kutcher movies.
**Yes, that was both stupid and gross, but it amused me, so lay off.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Chickpeas and Testicles

"Everyone's daily posts have gone to shit by this point so you can probably get away with whatever you want." -Mike Lombardo, philosopher
Well, it's April 10th, and we've finally reached that point in BEDA where I stare at a flashing cursor and realize I have nothing to say. But I'm not going to complain, because there's nothing worse than that girl who bitches about the fact that strangers laugh at her jokes and care about her lunch.* Instead, I will provide for you (aren't you fortunate?) a list of unrelated thoughts I'm having tonight.
  1. Hummus tastes good but chickpeas do not. This doesn't seem to add up.
  2. This afternoon, I ran four miles in 83-degree heat. People usually laugh when I call myself a badass, but guys-- I'm a badass. I'm basically Lance Armstrong.**
  3. Out of curiosity, I browsed my town's Craigslist tonight. I don't think 50-year-old men in my area have a very good understanding of the term "strictly platonic." I am now experiencing what is commonly referred to as being "skeeved out," and I shall forever be on my guard when I pass adult men in the grocery store.
  4. I have a ton of homework due this week, but I don't have to turn most of it in until Tuesday or Wednesday. Naturally, I've chosen to start it all tomorrow night.
  5. This afternoon's sunshine was heavenly. The ghostly lines on my legs where my shorts stopped? Less heavenly, but at least hilarious.
Now wasn't that fun? And educational! On that note, I'm gonna go shower my nasty self. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to share in tomorrow's post... and hopefully, tomorrow, I won't be sweaty and disgusting. Do me a favor and have lovely night. A demain!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,468
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: 4

*This sentence is an example of a literary device called "hyperbole." Some examples of things worse than my complaining about having to write a blog: war, torture, genocide, poverty, starvation, inescapable caste systems, disease, grief, loneliness, loss of limb, explaining the definition of "hyperbole" to people old enough to read internet blogs.
**I, too, am missing a testicle.***
***Two of them.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

What is this dark magic?

Hello, lovelies. It's the ninth day of April and I still want a pizza. For those just tuning in, I'm taking on a 30-day challenge to give up dairy products. It's not a weight loss thing; I'm just curious about the rumored health benefits all my vegan friends rave about, so I'm forgoing milk in addition to my vegetarianism. The first five days were nothing-- a lifestyle full of salads and extra energy felt plausible-- but now, officially, my cheese-craving-angst runneth over and I feel like this:
After a breakfast of Cheerios with soy milk and a Panera lunch made of 75% bread, I still spent most of my evening hungry. Everyone's giving me very kind advice (add more variety to your diet, push through because the first week is the hardest, just scarf down a block of cheddar in the middle of the night and don't tell anyone...), but I still feel GRAWR! I am a lunatic, raging with all the firey passion of my white, first-world, middle-class pain. I will prevail. But I will prevail at your expense, Readers of My Daily Complaining.

In cheerier news, I had fun today. Needing a break from our college town, my friend Carina and I went on a mini roadtrip to a mall, about an hour and a half away. We didn't buy much, but we had a good time giggling about the inadequacies in our educations about makeup (how do you do that thing where you, like, put colored powders on your eyelids? What is this dark magic?) and browsing the big Barnes & Noble for books about women escaping the confines of polygamy. In terms of a Saturday afternoon: productive.

Regarding your comments on yesterday's post, again, guys, you crack me up. Your elementary school motivational quotes were... maybe not helpful, but at least very amusing. I'll end tonight's post by returning the favor, as best I can: Reach for the stars. Shoot for the moon. Dance like nobody's watching. If at first you don't succeed, give up and buy mozzarella sticks.

No. Not that last one.

Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,421
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI

Friday, April 8, 2011

Rabid Raccoon

Super quick post tonight because it's Friday on a college campus and I have to go pretend to have things to do. What did I eat today? Peanut butter. I only ate peanut butter. (That's a joke.) (But it's also practically true.) (As in, the Joke is my Life.) In all seriousness, though, this lack-of-cheese thing is continuing to get me down. If you guys have any corny* motivational sayings from, like, fifth grade gym class, please leave them in the comments as a source of encouragement. Without moral support, I might sleepwalk to the grocery store and sleepeat a roll of chocolate chip cookie dough, and trust me, that just sounds dangerous.

Before I dart off, a story from my day:

My friend PJ and I were walking around outside when we saw this. Concerned, we took turns taking careful, slow steps toward the little guy, hoping we wouldn't scare him/get holes punched through our faces by his inevitably rabid chompers. Eventually, I got worried (and scared) enough to call Animal Control... and just as I heard ringing on the other end, a guy walked over to the rabid raccoon and put it on his head.

The raccoon, whose life I attempted to save from both disease and the persecution that he would have faced should he have attacked a human, was a hat. Goodnight.

Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,374
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: Shut up.

*I could have said "cheesy" but I didn't want to rub salt in my own wound. But now it's done. Curse you, footnote.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I am the pickle girl.

I actually laughed out loud while reading yesterday's comments because, when you think about it, the fact that strangers enjoy reading lists of everything I eat in a day is utterly fantastic. (Crazy, too, but fantastic first.) I mean, ten years ago, Total Request Live was the closest anyone came to having a relationship with the creators of their entertainment. In 2011, everyone with an internet connection and a common interest can forge freakish half-relationships. We all follow each other on twitter, look at pictures of the insides of each others' mouths, make videos from inside our private bedrooms... guys, the internet is cool. You are cool. I love this thing we've got going on. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

However, something I CAN'T get off my chest-- okay, stomach; it was almost a transition-- would be the sleeve of cookies I just scarfed down my gullet. I feel guilty now, even though I stayed within the parameters of my challenge and didn't eat anything containing milk, because this binge session was the only thing keeping me from breaking my own rules and ordering pizza. Today was the first day that my vow to give up dairy has made me more annoyed than excited. I felt fine through my PB&J breakfast and my smoothie/strawberry/pickle lunch (I'll explain later), but dinner just plain sucked. I angrily stabbed at my salad, repeatedly asking my friend, "Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? Where is the cheese? Why am I doing this?" I was inconsolable until there were two Blow Pops alternating turns on my tongue. I am the most obnoxious six-year-old you've ever met.

I knew the Junk Food Fest of Doom was on the horizon from the second I woke up this morning, but I fought it for as long as possible. It was 70 degrees and gorgeous, so I was outside from 10am until evening, walking around in a feed-me-now kind of stupor. I waited in a ten-minute line for free strawberries at some event for some club whose name I don't care about in the slightest (clearly, their advertising was effective). I was still unsatisfied. I tried to take a nap on a blanket, hoping to be lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of my stomach gargling like a science fair volcano. I lasted fifteen minutes before a group of picnickers set up shop a yard away from me, cheese fries in tow. There was no solution to this problem, but the closest I could come up with involved pickles.

So I walked uptown to my favorite little deli shop, made my effortless way through its shockingly empty dining area, and had the complete attention of all five people behind the counter. "I just want a big pickle," I announced.

A (very cute) guy with a rolled bandanna around his hair cocked one eyebrow and laughed in my face. "Just a pickle?"

"Just a pickle."

Still chuckling, he told me it'd cost 75 cents. "Ya just really feeling a pickle right now?"

I shrugged. "It's a pickle kind of day."

"I didn't know there was such a kind of day."

Then I said something nonsensical like, "You'd be surprised!" and I walked off with my cylindrical trophy, knowing full well that every employee was watching me leave. I'm sharing this story with you because, first of all, it was amusing, and second of all, college is weird. Where else in the world would you simultaneously be flirted with and stared at like a freak just for buying a pickle? Is the fact that I wanted a pickle, alone, in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, really that intriguing?

I mean... is the act of buying a pickle the kind of thing normal people find unusual? If they think that's weird, how in the world would they react if I told them about this crazy network I have inside my computer screen, complete with inside jokes and separate cliques and huge conferences and Hipster Kitty and bands that exclusively write about inanimate objects from the Harry Potter series? My point is, guys, that we need to make sure we cherish this community we have, because without it, we might have nothing funnier to laugh at than a girl buying a pickle. This universe we've created is amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world. We are so lucky.

And also I would KILL for some cheese right now.

Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,342
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline
Miles run today: Murrr. This is making me feel guilty. Maybe I'll go run before bed.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Look at my mouth.

Quick post tonight due to headache and homework. Headache not made better by incoming wisdom teeth. Wisdom teeth not made better by the fact that I attend college and can't take a week off to have surgery. If you don't believe me, have a look for yourself.

I realize you can't see them. I just wanted to force you to look inside my mouth.

Speaking of the inside of my mouth, I'm one day away from having completed a full week of my dairy-free challenge! I snarled a little bit when a guy on the street handed me a coupon for cheap pizza, but I'm alive. Today's breakfast was orange juice, green tea, half a grapefruit, an egg white omelet* with onions and green peppers, Rice Krispies with almond milk. I didn't feel hungry at lunch time so I just drank a Naked Juice smoothie (still around 300 calories, so "lunch enough"), and made room for dinner's gargantuan burrito. Yumtastic!

Alright, kiddos. I'm off. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,314
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline
Miles run today: 2

*A quick note before someone inevitably freaks out: My goal for April is to go without milk products-- not to eat an entirely vegan diet-- and eggs are nutritionally part of the meat family. While eliminating dairy has made fewer egg products available to me, I'm not avoiding the eggs themselves.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Multi-Tasking, Appliance-Juggling Skills of Wonderment

As I type this, I'm simultaneously holding a powered blowdryer. Perhaps I keep having to backspace and correct single-finger typos, and perhaps I'm getting more hot air on my wall than on my tresses, but you have to admit-- it's mildly amazing. I plan to add this to my catalogue of skills for future resumes and reality TV show applications. Hayley is a fun-loving go-getter with a wild streak as long as her list of talents: making brownies from a box mix, construction paper crafts, dancing the robot, drying her hair and blogging in a single bound.... I don't have a wild-streak or the capacity for fun-loving and/or go-getting. I lied about those parts. Also, frankly, I turned the dryer off halfway through that paragraph and hoped you wouldn't notice. I'm sorry for deceiving you.

In other news, today marks Day 5 of my challenge to go without dairy products for an entire month. Still no crises. Pizza continues to look amazing, but I'm noticing that butter is losing its appeal for me. My dining hall keeps a heap of it on the salad bar and I actually turned my nose up at it, thinking, "Yeah, that's definitely not something I need inside of me" and also, "Great, I'm one of those people now." I wonder if this trend will continue until May or if I'll be dying for a croissant by Friday. Either way, this morning's breakfast was a bowl of soy milk and Apple Jacks (hadn't had those in forever and they were awesome... until I saw that sugar is the first ingredient. Yeeks.). Lunch was salad with raspberries and nuts piled on top. Afternoon Binge Disaster was about five servings of original Sun Chips, but I brought the team back together to finish strong at dinner time, choosing to cut up a veggie burger patty and eat it on a bed of greens. I had a banana between breakfast and lunch, too, and some blueberries with dinner. The chip overload was less a result of hunger and more a product of the, uh, moon phases, if you will, so I don't feel too bad about indulging. Altogether, today was another success.

Your comments regarding yesterday's post were both helpful and amusing (YES, I realize the difference between sex and gender, but gender jokes aren't as funny!) and I think I have a better understanding of my assignment now. I also have a better understanding of just how bad my French is (thanks, native speakers) and want to ask you, as per Scott's lol-worthy comment, how you excuse the fact that "vagina" is a masculine noun! Come on, French. Get it together. Anyway, I hope you guys realize that my love for you isn't a publicity charade or anything-- I look forward to reading your responses every day, and have tons of appreciation for those of you who come back on a frequent basis, whether or not you leave a comment. You make me feel awesome. I want to take you on a magic carpet ride past galloping white horses. Or something. You pick.

On that note, and definitely not just because my phone tells me The Situation is calling because, pfft, writing this is totally more important... I've gotta bounce. I have homework to do and teeth to brush and-- shut up!-- boyfriends to attend to :). I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 4
Subscribers: 48,279
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline
Miles run today: 3

Monday, April 4, 2011

Eating, having a vagina...

Hello, lovelies. I'm not a sadist; I won't keep you waiting any longer. I know what you're all dying to hear: a list of everything I ate today. Calm yourselves. I'll deliver.

Breakfast was the same old orange juice and Kashi cereal with soy milk, lunch was a salad, banana, a handful of walnuts/pecans, and (surprisingly vegan!) tator tots. Dinner was an experiment with milk-free frozen meals, this time Amy's Black Bean Enchiladas. They looked disgusting but didn't taste half bad. Salted popcorn and dark chocolate made another appearance as an evening snack. I made my first sacrifice today, in the form of fighting a craving for peanut M&Ms-- even the dark chocolate versions contain several milk ingredients, the bastards-- but I miraculously survived. Also, I'm really getting the hang of distributing my fat and protein intake so I don't end up starving after a plate of raw vegetables, and I have to say, I feel good. Even an entire bag of popcorn doesn't cause the same hungover feeling I used to get from a single piece of pie. I mean, I'm not signing myself up for a lifetime of raw veganism, but in the past four days, I've barely noticed the absence of dairy products. Here's hoping that continues!

You're welcome, internet. I do you such a valuable service; I totally understand why you keep coming back every day.

The rest of today was slow, but thanks to warm thunderstorms outside, pretty. One of my English professors left the windows open during class so that little bits of rain floated in past the whipping curtains and it felt just amazing. Something about rain always makes me feel extraordinarily peaceful, even when going through the motions of an average weekday. I spent today discussing Chaucer, speaking horrible French, analyzing Michelle Tea poems, and posting a silly video on my new second channel whose comments have me laughing out loud. You guys are my type of people. Genuinely awesome company.

Sorry for running short tonight, but it's nearly bedtime and a pile of homework still lurks in my future. OH! Speaking of homework, I need your help with something! For Women and Gender Studies, I have to keep a log over the next week of all the times I'm "reminded of my gender." All I can think to write is, "8am. Wake up. Have vagina." Do you guys have any ideas to help me fill three pages? Anyway, mon vagin et moi allons aller écrivons en français. Goodnight!

Chipotle burritos this year: 4
Subscribers: 48,227
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline
Miles run today: 3.5

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Everbody's looking back on the weekend, weekend. (To the tune of "Friday")

Previously, in the Hayleylujah Chorus: Our beloved heroine finds herself faced with a dilemma to rival Hamlet's "To be or not to be." Should she go out on a Saturday night, engage in collegiate debauchery, have interesting information to relay to her blog readers the following evening? Or should she continue to lie on her bed, moving only the muscle required to click "Next page" on Tumblr, until she develops several excess chins? Find out now.

And the answer is... I went out! Just as I was ready to give up on the prospect of making plans, a friend of mine invited me to hang out in her dorm with some casual acquaintances. I went, made small talk for maybe half an hour, and then decided to tag along with another friend to a Real Party. It wasn't CRAZY AMAZING BREAK-WINDOWS-WITH-ROCKS-AND-SCREAM-THE-JOYFUL-CHANTS-OF-YOUTH EXCITING, but I had a legitimately good time. At one point, the entire crowd burst into a (perhaps substance-induced) rendition of "Friday." The friend I was with-- a girl I met because she read this blog, actually-- leaned into me during the Rebecca Black-along to yell, "It's like the internet in real life!" And she was right. Sometimes drunk strangers know every word to the rap break in a youtube meme. Sometimes life imitates art. These are the types of things you learn when you leave your room.

I got to bed pretty late last night, so today has been relaxing and low-key. I had brunch with friends, watched some Office, went for a long walk by myself, and waded my way through "The Knight's Tale" from The Canterbury Tales for one of my literature classes. My textbook has Middle English on one page, Modern on the next, but I've been forcing myself to make sense of the original language before going back and reading the modern translation. It's a decent challenge, which is refreshing. Maybe I'll update you guys with interesting tidbits I learn, in the event that I, you know, learn some interesting tidbits.

As far as my dairy-free challenge is concerned, today was another easy day. Breakfast was orange juice, Rice Krispies and blueberries with soy milk, and half a wheat bagel with natural peanut butter and strawberry slices. Lunch was a beautiful bowl of Chipotle* with ice water and lemon, I had a serving of dark chocolate for a snack, and dinner was three bowls of Kashi cereal, soy milk, and some green tea. I realize that my diet is becoming a little cereal-heavy, so I'll have to find some other convenient, filling options to balance it out. I've been cerealing so much to compensate for the fact that my meals sans-cheese and sans-bread-products-that-go-with-cheese contain fewer calories than I'm used to. I've been logging everything I eat into, though, to make sure I eat enough calories to maintain my activity level. It's possible that I'll drop some weight from this project (which wouldn't be horrible, since I naturally gained about seven pounds over the winter) but I want to make sure I don't lose more than those few pounds, or more than I need. This is an experiment in the spirit of good health, of course, so I'm taking all the necessary precautions to make sure I'm taking proper care of myself.

Alright, it's nearly 11PM, so I have to walk across campus to the library in order to read a story for French tomorrow. The bookstores are all fresh out of copies of the text, so lucky Hayley has had to wait all day until the one at the library becomes available. I'm looking forward to a long night of answering questions in a foreign language and depriving my body of its necessary rest. Hooray for college!

Before I run: Did you guys do anything interesting this weekend? Don't feel bad if you didn't-- I rarely do-- but if you did find something cool going on, what was it? Either way, I hope you all have a nice day tonight/tomorrow, and I'll see you guys, obviously, for BEDA Day 4. Night!

Chipotle burritos this year: 4
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline
Subscribers: 48,186
Miles run today: Only 1. For those who asked, no, I haven't stopped running; I just usually do it at night, after I've already updated my blog, and I feel stupid writing "None yet" every time.

*Rice, black beans, corn, tomato salsa, hot salsa, guacamole, lettuce. All vegan! Only making due without sour cream. I love me some SC, but the dish is still amazing without it.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Even the Magic Eight Ball hates me.

Good evening, Blog, and welcome to the second installment of Blog Every Dairy-Free Day in April! Two days into my challenge, life without dairy looks remarkably similar to life with it. Breakfast was Kashi cereal with soy milk and a glass of V8 juice, lunch was black bean soup, salad*, two kiwis, a roll, and pineapple juice, "dinner" was salted (butterless) popcorn and a few Oreos, which are surprisingly milk-free!** Avoiding dairy products hasn't been remotely difficult yet. My school's dining halls are very vegetarian- and vegan-friendly, and most dishes are labeled if they contain major food allergens, including milk. I raised half an eyebrow at a friend's cookie dough ice cream, but my abstinence didn't induce any withdrawal symptoms. And as far as calcium is concerned, my bones are still intact.*** I don't want to jinx anything, but as of tonight, Mission: Possible.

In other news, I... um. That last paragraph pretty much exhausted the only topic I'd planned to discuss. I feel like, if this post were a real conversation, this would be the point where we'd all checked our phones and pretended to look around the room. I wish I had some sort of fantastic adventure to relay, filled with... I don't know... boys and, uh... booze and... other collegiate things... but if we're being honest, I'm a little bit pathetic. It's now 9:30PM and I've officially spent the entire day-- save the two hours I was across campus eating with a friend-- sitting placid on my bed. I find myself trapped between the desire to walk outside in the real human world and the calming complacency of doing absolutely nothing at all. Maybe I should go out. Should I go out? Hold on, I'll ask my Magic Eight Ball.

Unfortunately, I just remembered that I don't own a Magic Eight Ball. Hold on, I'll google one.

Found it. I asked, "Should I go out?" It told me to "ask again later." I waited a second and asked again. "Should I go out?"

"Outlook not good."

Geez, Magic Eight Ball. Way to believe in me. Anyway, guys, I think I'm gonna head out. Maybe I'll find something to do, maybe I won't. Either way, I'll update you on my fascinating decision tomorrow. Until then, I hope you all have a lovely evening, a lovelier morning, and a sense of accomplishment about not being as lame as I am. See you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 3
Subscribers: 48,120
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline

*Spinach, romaine, green/yellow/red peppers, cucumbers, carrots, broccoli, onion, peas, lima beans, seeds, dried cranberries. No salad dressing because-- go ahead and call me crazy-- I don't really like any.

**This fact should gross me out. It does not.

***A note about calcium, since a lot of you were kind enough to be concerned for me: I've charted my vitamin and mineral intake in the past, and I actually receive plenty of calcium from non-dairy sources like nuts and greens. Something else that I find really interesting? It's heavily rumored that Americans receive too much calcium in their ordinary diets, considering that the countries with the strongest bones are those where people consume less milk. I'm obviously not a nutritionist or a scientist or a doctor, so don't take my word as law, here, but it's really a really interesting topic to research.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Blog Every Dairy-Free Day in April!

BLOG EVERY DAY IN APRIL? Are you kidding me? I have far too much going on in my life. I need to order my box set of Jersey Shore DVDs, watch Charlie Sheen's live webcasts, apply for a job at Hooters, eat a gigantic, bloody steak. Besides, I've been really moody lately, considering my double pregnancy (my fetus is pregnant, as well-- kind of like conception Inception) and the fact that I'm addicted to heroin. Sorry to get your hopes up, but it's just not gonna happen this year.

You crazy fools. Of course I'm participating in BEDA. I'm as pumped as pumped can be! No, I'm pumpedier than pumped, because this year's BEDA is not just a race-- it's an obstacle course! While I've written a blog post every day in the month of April for the past two years, this year I'm adding another objective to the goal. I'm going to attempt eating a dairy-free diet from today until the 30th. And you're gonna watch.*

Why would you do that, freak?
I've been reading a lot about nutrition lately and there actually appears to be substantial evidence that dairy is not only unnecessary, but likely even harmful to humans. Out of curiosity, I gave up dairy products for a week and a half in March (in total secrecy, for the added thrill) and found that I really did feel more energetic. I want to see what happens after a whole month.

But Hayley, you love cheese!
Ugh. I know I do, Italicized Dialogue. But oddly enough, after holding out on pizza and cream cheese for only ten days, neither has seemed that satisfying since. If I get to the end of the month and find myself salivating uncontrollably over a pile of whipped cream, I'm not going to deny myself! I'm just curious if a detox will change my feelings.

Won't you kind of look self-righteous and preachy?
I hope not! I mean, I'm kind of famous for my ability to eat mass quantities of junk in record time, so I'm hardly a health nazi. Also, I'm willing to put the project on hold if it starts to inconvenience other people. (i.e. If someone invites me over for dinner, I'm not going to abstain from their cooking just to amuse myself. If something of that nature happens, I'll just add on an extra dairy-free day in May.)

What if you turn into a crazy starving rampage monster?
Then my blog posts will be hilarious.
I'll eat more bread, guys. And it's only one month!

I think you're an idiot.
Takes one to know one, Self.

Anyway, that's the plan. I'll keep you updated on a day-to-day basis with my triumphs and struggles, while still providing you (lucky bastards) with the all brilliant and witty anecdotes for which I'm critically acclaimed (remember the time I went to class, did homework, and then went to bed? Riveting!). Let me know in a comment or tweet if you're BEDAing as well. Oh, and are any of you vegan or dairy-free vegetarians? If so, I'd love to hear your advice and stories on the topic.

I hope you all have a lovely day. See you tomorrow, guys!

Chipotle burritos this year: 3
Subscribers: 48,045
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline

*I mean, like, if you want to. No pressure. Not too much pressure.